Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
