i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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