Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
FUCK WHALES
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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