i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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