If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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