Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
