Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
