Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
