i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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