I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
