i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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