I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Randomize