I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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