11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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