this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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