so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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