I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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