Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
