watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
