if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
