When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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