That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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