If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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