Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
