can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
