We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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