I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
