The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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