i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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