Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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