Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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