Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
