Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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