nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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