Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
