Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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