There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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