She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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