I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Holy sore nipples Batman
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
