so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
