I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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