I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
