cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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