I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
