I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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