so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
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