I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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