I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
