They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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