My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
