I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You pole danced in your parka.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize