just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
