Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
