Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize