dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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