I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
BRING THE BAGELS
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
