I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
