...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize