that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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