My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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