is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
