I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
please come you make the beer taste better
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
