mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
