96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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