2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
